Two Hundred Plus One
by Anthropos Agnostos
Summary: When Martin Lloyd comes to the SGC looking for help with his movie script he gets a plot-pitch from an unexpected source. AU for episode "200".


Author's Note: text in _italics_ is internal thoughts.

* * *

"Come to think about it, why am I doing this?" Daniel asked.

"To make sure that the Air Force is being properly represented" Landry said walking into the briefing room "and because General O'Neill has requested you, specifically."

Daniel could only groan at that. "Of course he did." The archeologist looked at the rest of SG-1 sitting around him &amp; leafing through the Wormhole X-treme script they were asked to review. Mitchell seemed to be having the most fun out of them all with Vala being a close second. Sam kept flipping between being intrigued and rolling her eyes at the story. Teal'c was... Teal'c.

"Jackson, how often do we get to give notes on a big Hollywood feature script?" Cameron questioned sarcastically, smiling as he read the adventures of Col. Danning &amp; his intrepid x-treme team.

"I believe this is intended to be a television movie." corrected Teal'c

"A fictionalized, albeit slightly ridiculous, version of Stargate Command is an excellent cover for the real thing in the event of a security leak." clarified Landry to remind everyone why this was important enough to pull SG-1 away from their search for the Sangraal.

"Plausible deniability" Sam summarized.

"I'm sorry, sir," Daniel spoke once again "did you say "slightly" ridiculous?"

The general fought hard not to roll his eyes at the younger man's ill-disguised tantrum. "You're doing this! You have no choice." Landry said sternly as he left the room "Just give the man five minutes. I'll get you out of this when the time comes."

Vala remained unusually quiet through the whole ordeal, merely flipping her copy of the script back and forth. "Um, I've been looking at this, and there doesn't seem to be any mention of a sexy female alien…anywhere! I'm not even in this!" she finally exclaimed in frustration.

Carter bowed her head &amp; closed her eyes for a split second before looking up at Vala. "You? What about me?"

"Come on, you have a character: Stacey Monroe, the team geek. But where is the femme-fatale space-pirate?"

"You know Monroe isn't modeled on me." replied the blond "And did you just say I'm supposed to be the geek?"

Before Vala could answer the producer of the movie walked in, talking animatedly on his cell phone.

"You know not to say that last part, right?…Yeah, "movie, not clip show" is fine….Yeah. I've gotta go." Finishing his phone conversation, Martin Lloyd turned his attention to SG-1. "Cell coverage is just terrible in here. How's it going? You done?"

Vala beamed "We were just discussing how the movie needs a sexy female alien space pirate heroine to appeal to the 18 to 35 year-old male demographic!"

Lloyd sighed as he sat down at the table "I knew I should've given you my first draft. The producer brought in the other writers"

"I thought you were the producer?" inquired Cam.

"Yeah, the real one! Uh, look, just be honest. I'trust you guys. That's why I'm here. Just…tell me what you think." A gleam of excitement entered the balding movie-maker's eyes "C'mon, just pitch the ideas out! We call it "spinning". No one's gonna judge you."

Seeing that none of his teammates would volunteer, Mitchell was first to rise to the challenge. "Okay, for starters, I think you need a strong opening sequence."

The producer scoffed "Are you serious? No one does that anymore. You just throw up the title and get on with it."

"Well, you need something to grab the viewer's attention". Mitchell insisted.

Sam's eyes glowed with yellow light. "**How about bringing a character that died on the show back for the movie? No one would be expecting that**." she suggested in the unnatural tone of a symbiote.

Lloyd shot out of his chair so fast he nearly fell over. "You're a Goa'uld!" he croaked in a panicked voice, his eyes darting to the nearest exit.

Daniel sighed. "She really hates when people call her that Mr. Lloyd."

"**It is true**." said the symbiote "**I am Jolinar of Malkshur, a sworn enemy of all System Lords and a member of the Tok'Ra.**"

"The who-what now?" asked Martin, completely flabbergasted.

"The Tok'Ra are the Goa'uld resistance." explained Teal'c calmly "They share a body with their host instead of suppressing them as other Goa'uld do."

"But... but if you're a Goa-... Tok'Ra then how come Dr. Tanner didn't discover it?" asked Lloyd thinking back to the time his off-world companions captured SG-1.

"Oh, Jolinar wasn't around when you first met Sam." clarified Daniel "She was dead actually. But she was resurrected recently due to... well it's a long story."

"Resurrected? But how?!"

"That's not important" dismissed Jolinar with a wave of the hand. She tapped her copy of the script with a pen in her other hand for emphasis "What's important is that you had award-winning actors on the show who played characters with a large fan following but were killed off. Bringing them back could really make the movie a hit with both the fans and film critics alike."

The man was intrigued "You really thought this through."

Jolinar shrugged and smiled "**Both Samantha and I like to do our research.**"

Sam rolled her eyes mentally at her symbiote's antics. "_Just admit already that you're a fan of the show that likes to write Wormhole X-treme fanfiction in her spare time" _she thought.

"_**And lose the ability to tease Teal'c over his Star Wars action figures? No way!**_"

"So what exactly did you have in mind?" the producer asked, unaware of the debate in Carter's head.

Jolinar wanted to squeal like a schoolgirl at the fact that Martyn Lloyd was considering her ideas. Instead she maintained a facade of calm and mild disinterest as she laid out her idea "**Well, what if...**"

* * *

Jolinar snuck her way past another patrol, once again cursing the infernal planet her team ended up on. Initial airborne drone surveys of PX7-063 showed it to be an unremarkable forest-world, one of the many planet-sized British Colombias the galaxy was filled with. Naturally, the last thing SG-1 expected to run into on PX7-063 was a Jaffa army.

Daniel was lucky this time, receiving only a staff wound to the shoulder and a few cuts and bruises (no ascending for him this time!). Cam on the other hand could barely move, his leg broken in two places after a stray zat blast caught him &amp; made him tumble downhill in the middle of their flight. Even with Vala, Teal'c and Daniel helping Cam hobble along their escape was slowed to a crawl while the sounds of Jaffa pursuers drew ever closer. At that moment both Sam and Jolinar knew that only one thing could help her teammates get to the Stargate, and they were not going to like it. Before anyone could protest she took off running in the opposite direction from the Gate, making as much noise as possible to draw the Jaffa search parties away from her friends. Sam relied on Jolinar's strength boost to keep her ahead of the angry Jaffa as she charged deeper into the forest, ignoring the tree trunks splintering around her from the plasma shots being fired her way.

That was 3 days ago. Her plan to lose the search parties &amp; backtrack to the gate proved futile when she discovered the Jaffa had buried the Stargate to prevent her escape.

Between Sam's training and Jolinar's experiance they could live off the land &amp; evade the Goa'uld forces for weeks but both knew their luck would run out before the _Daedalus_ would show up to rescue them.

Logically, that only left one option: go to the enemy encampment and steal one of their Tel'taks.

"_And I thought Jack's was the one with the absurd plans_." Sam spoke in her head.

"_We can always try to unbury the Stargate_." replied Jolinar in mock seriousness "_Assuming the Jaffa allow us to work in peace it should only take us a few weeks_."

As she crested the top of a small wooded hill the camp came into view: the Jaffa had cut down a large section of the forest, setting up their tents in the clearing and using the timber to build palisades and watch towers. The broad base of a pyramid could already be seen peeping out from behind the encampment walls as Tel'taks flew back and forth carrying monolithic sandstone blocks to the construction site.

"_Daniel would love this - he could finally see for himself how the Pyramids of Giza were built._"

"_**If a pyramid is being built it means the Goa'uld is here to stay. Question is which Goa'uld is it?**_"

"_Guess we'll find out soon enough_".

'Soon enough' came several hours later when the sun set and the work finally ceased. The patrols &amp; palisades would give pause to any large attacking army but they were a poor defense against a single Ashrak or a determined Tok'Ra with a makeshift grappling hook. Choosing a darkened area of the compound &amp; waiting for a gap between the roaming guards Jolinar expertly climbed the walls and made her way to the other side.

What greeted her there was a blast from the past: row upon row of torch-lit yurts, each one decorated with the Banner of Apophis. The Tok'Ra reached out to touch one just to make sure her eyes were not playing tricks on her.

"_**Impossible. He is dead**_."

"_Let's worry about that later_." commented Sam as she heard the clank of Jaffa armour draw closer "_How about we focus on not being captured for now?_"

As they stealthily sneaked closer to the pyramid construction site where the Tel'taks were stored for the night they saw more strange anachronisms along the way: towering Serpent Guards keeping vigil over slave pens, scribes in hoods of reptilian leather chanting ritualistically as they inscribed hieroglyphs onto torch-lit obelisks and scantily-clad priestesses burning ceremonial incense in an unfinished temple.

"_**Are you sure we have not passed through a solar flare?**_" the Tok'Ra asked her partner "_**Such sights belong in the past when the System Lords still ruled the galaxy**_."

Sam frowned. "_I hope not. The last thing I want is to fight them all over again_."

They found the 3 Tel'taks parked in a neat row at the base of the pyramid, a single Serpent Guard standing watch over them. Taking careful aim from behind a supply tent Sam let loose a shot from her zat and for a split second arcs of neon electricity danced across the Jaffa's armour before he slumped senseless to the ground.

Sam smirked. "_Too easy_"

Walking briskly to her prize and straining her senses for any signs of other guards, Carter almost missed it when her foot caught on something small and thin. Before her mind could fully comprehend the implications Sam's world was filled with blinding light and screeching noise.

As she blacked out from sensory overload Sam heard Jolinar chuckle dryly in her head. "_**Trip-wire and a Goa'uld stun grenade, clever. Not too easy after all**_."

In the end they did get to fly in the Tel'tak, though not quite as planned: when she was discovered the Jaffa shackled her, put her in the very same Tel'tak she wanted to steal and flew her to a Hat'ak in orbit.

Her head lolling side-to-side, Sam was dragged in a half-daze through gold-plated halls of the mothership to the pel'tac before she was thrown down carelessly in front of an opulent throne.

Carter felt the pit of her stomach drop as she looked up and all doubt about the identity of their enemy vanished. Atop the dais, dressed in gold armour, his face still marred by strange implants and twisted by a grimace, Apophis glared down at her from his dark perch.

"H-how?" she croaked, her voice sounding weak and hoarse even to her ears "You're supposed to be dead."

"**Gods cannot die**" answered Apophis matter-of-factly. Getting up from his throne the System Lord signaled to two Jaffa to haul Carter to her knees as he walked down to her.

The Goa'uld circled her like a shark, examining his prize from all angles before turning to his First Prime standing to the right of the throne "**You have done well Helsnat. You shall be richly rewarded for this service to your god.**"

The man bowed deeply. Unlike the other burly guards, the First Prime was distinguished by a surprisingly slender build. "Thank you my Lord." Helsnat lifted his grey eyes and looked at Sam with an intrigued expression "Shall I take the prisoner to the dungeon?".

"**No.**" Apophis raised his hand-device to Sam's head "**The time has come for this Tau'Ri to pay for her insolence**."

Jolinar, who had stayed silent after being stunned back at the camp, chose that moment to make her presence known with an eye flash.

"**Hear this Apophis: the days of your kind are numbered. I die with hope, knowing my death will only feed the fire that burns strong in the Tok'Ra**."

"_Deija vu, eh Jol?_"

The System Lord was momentarily stunned by the bold statement but recovered his composure quickly. With a sneer he channeled his hatred for Tau'Ri and Tok'Ra into the hand device, unleashing the full power of the karakesh upon Sam's mind.

Burning beams of agony lanced through her head as she fought not to scream. Neither she nor Jolinar fully understood how the device worked but it felt like their brain was put through a blender.

Before she passed out a second time today Sam felt something blazing zip by her, leaving behind an acrid smell. With a grunt the Serpent Guard holding her from the right dropped to the ground clutching at the plasma burn on his chest. Less than a second later his companion on the left was likewise felled by a staff blast. The last Jaffa in the room was the pilot and he only had enough time to turn away from the controls before a bolt of yellow plasma charred his head.

Furious, Apophis turned to see his First Prime pointing the staff weapon in his direction.

"**What have you done Helsnat? Have the shol'va poisoned your mind?**" the self-proclaimed god bellowed in rage.

With one hand Helsnat reached behind his ear and deactivated the small holo-unit concealing his identity. The gold tattoo vanished and the face of a stoic veteran warrior morphed into that of a deceptively young-looking grey-eyed man with dirty-blond hair. Jolinar's breath hitched as she recognized him as her long-dead lover.

Apophis's eyes glowed with rage. "**What trickery is this?**"

"**You are not the only one who knows how to cheat death**." With a satisfied smile the Tok'Ra fired a staff shot straight at Apophis's head. The smile quickly vanished as a golden chrysalis enveloped the System Lord and the shot splashed harmlessly against his shield.

Now it was the Goa'uld's turn to smile. "**Only the gods are immortal**" proclaimed Apophis proudly, once again in control of the situation.

As the Goa'uld raised his ribbon device to strike her mate Jolinar reacted faster than she ever thought possible. Snatching a knife from the belt of the dead Jaffa next to her she shot up and plunged the blade deep into Apophis's neck. The strike killed both the host and symbiote instantly and with one final eye-flash the false-god toppled to the ground, never to get up again.

As the adrenalin begun to wear off however Sam's overtaxed and battered body protested and even with Jolinar's added strength she couldn't stop her knees from buckling. But before she could fall next to the (finally!) dead System Lord a pair of arms caught her in a gentle embrace. Both host and symbiote felt their heart flutter as they looked up to meet the gaze of their soulmate.

"**We thought you were lost to us**." Jolinar spoke for both of them, tears falling freely from her eyes.

"**It's alright my loves**." the man said caressing her cheek "**We are with you now. We shall always be with you**."

His lips met hers in a passionate kiss as his hands reached under her-

* * *

"Whoa! Stop right there!" exclaimed Lloyd "This is supposed to be a sci-fi film, not a dirty romance. The 'X' in title doesn't stand for the movie's rating you know."

Jolinar scoffed. "**There is nothing wrong with having a romantic subplot in a science fiction movie. Even Star Wars had it**."

"Yeah, and look where 'romantic subplot' got the prequel films" answered Martin.

At the mention of the Star War prequels Teal'c emitted what could only be described as a low growl.

"Really, bringing two characters from the dead, having them kill the villain within 15 minutes and then have them make out? This feels less like a sub-plot and more like some fantasy wish-fulfillment." continued the producer "And not of the type of fantasy our viewers come for either: they want sci-fi action! They want space-battles! They want gunfights and explosions! What do you say guys? Do you have any ideas along those lines?"

"How about Zombies?" inquired Cam.

"Oh! Oh! Space-pirates!" piped up Vala excitedly.

"I have a proposition for a plot involving a private-eye detective." added Teal'c.

Jolinar didn't hear any of her teammate's suggestions however. Martin's rejection caused her to retreat to a corner of Carter's mind and pout in indignation.

"_**Mikta! And he dares to call himself a producer? A Sokar-damned ingrate, that what he is!**_"

"_Ah, cheer up!_" urged Sam "_The producer didn't like your pitch, so what? Your ideas will always find an audience online as fanfiction_."

Fin.

* * *

A/N: well, there you have it folks, hope you liked it. This was written based on prompt #84 (which was: "any episode - how would it have played out if Sam was host to Jolinar still?") from Tok'Ra Kree Round #6. Since episode 200 poked fun at the show itself, I thought it would be appropriate for "200 + 1" poke fun at fanfiction :).

And yes, "Helsnat" is an anagram. You get no points at all for solving it.


End file.
